REALIZED - ALTOGETHER DIFFERENT

REALIZED – ALTOGETHER DIFFERENT

The last four days have been nothing short of miraculous. I sing a song today celebrating how very far I have come, how far we are all coming, and oh! The view from here is spectacular, humbling, unnerving, magnificent, knowing all this while holding such great gratitude for knowing there is more. There is only more from here. It only gets better from here.

This has been a heart-pounding journey, this whole awakening. I remember daily a dream I had last year... me and Sam coming up from a concrete bunker onto a concrete, grey world. No vegetation. Very few people, but I had the feeling the place was in fact vast, and well-populated. I wore a turban, and flowing robes. I told Sam we were to sit on the bench. I understood that to sit was an honor.

Sam fidgeted. I chastised him. I pointed to the sky. I told him to settle down and look up. That it was about to happen. I told him that a couple of times. And then, as if on cue, it did.

The heavens opened into a square, a rectangle. Flames shot out of the mouth of this geometry, and with it, a terrible, deep, resonant sound.

(I have since only heard that sound, felt it as I did in my dream, when I have published these blogs.)

And then it was as if the sky switched, and was full of spaceships. They were all white, but the sizes and varieties was boggling.

And then the games began. The chases, the extremity, the fear, the wars, just scenes of darkness, extremity, difficulty, on a city, country, world scale.

And then came the conclusion.

Suddenly it was like breaking through clouds, and everything was suddenly clear. Everything just suddenly made so much sense and was so beautiful. And we had WON. There had been this great sense of fear because it had been so uncertain if the good would triumph over the bad, because in the dream, the bad was very, very bad, and they were clever, and mean. And that was the roller coaster effect, this dance of mischief and mayhem and disorder and chaos.

And then we all just broke free. I can remember laughing and laughing, realizing that there had never been a doubt. This outcome of purity and love was never in question. I can remember being pretty mad about it momentarily, because I would have preferred to not have done the roller coaster ride. It sucked, as far as I was concerned. It was scary, unnecessarily so. But I was just seen as being a little grumpy, and the celebrations continued, all of us laughing at our great cleverness, but that it, in the end, it really hadn't been much of a contest.

So that was my dream about a year ago, and it is funny that it is a place I travel often. I like to daydream there sometimes, because the emotional palette is so varied. There was terror and outrage, abandonment and desolation, and then so much joy. Wild abandonment! Bliss!

I bring this dream up because that is what is happening to me now.

This thinking is different than before. It is altogether different.

It has to do with hooking everything up to my heart, somehow.

Yesterday I went to my women's group, and was just probably far too abstracted to have been in company. I sat there in meditation and could feel each of we crones as trees, our leaves touching each other, the wind whispering through us, influenced as we are by the moon, the sun, the soil, each enduring, sturdy.

A bird started to sing as the imagery got more lush.

And then I remembered that an entity, a “soul” can perhaps be thought of as a tree, each of their lives a manifestation of a thought of love, each leaf perfect and individual, each with its own awareness and consciousness, its own story. I sat there big and small, a tree, a forest, a leaf, a life, a soul.

And then came this light. I called in a light I read about in EARTH by Barbara Marciaiak. It was gold and white and fuchsia. It felt very nice.

And then the funniest thing happened.

The trees sort of lit up, but not with light. They lit up with a beautiful compassion. I felt infused with compassion for all of us, striving as we are to be the best we can be. This circle of women, always seeking, shamans each, powerful creators just bending in our chrysalises.

I felt so much compassion for how hard it is here, and could really appreciate the different perspectives, understanding that what we do on the physical is very very important, but it is a shadow for what we really are, where the day to day stuff comes from.

That is a distancing thought. It is a true thought, but one which leads to abstraction in the physical. That is a big struggle for me, having these exalted thoughts, but not feeling it, not getting it in the physical. But this light really helped.

What a relief to now know such compassion.

And I really couldn't have gotten there had I not had a really revolting morning. Mid morning, having felt neutral but relaxed upon awakening, I was suddenly gripped by a foul mood. My heart was suddenly black with hate for the world. And I really mean that. I could have spit venom. I knew such hate, or maybe it was grand disdain and being completely and utterly and hopelessly fed up with how retarded everything is here. How blissfully we are all missing the point, and my fellow travelers are so very thoughtless, and it just made me full of sadness and bitterness and rage.

I thought, if I was one of those creator gods who are rumored to be embedded in the Earth, this would be a very, very good day for this world to die.

And then, hours later, I sat transfixed, in such tender love with every living creature, connected to it all through a living web of respect and love.

You know by now that comparing such states to mental illness is, in itself, a mental illness, right?

But wait, because it gets better.

Here is what I thought as I drove away from Sam's school. I think this whole time line merge stuff might be, perhaps, a reality merge. And these realities may just be feeling states, large portions of our psyche we have cordoned off and left unexamined, the parts plugged into something which feeds our very cells with divine purpose and joy, as well as the warped realities we have agreed to enact to understand more.

So, I thought, as I drove, I used to think I was going mad because I would inhabit a certain feeling state, or thought construction. I would sort of tinker with how I was fitting into the culture through the eyes of, say, Seth, or many of the channels on the blogosphere. I explored the Illuminati stuff, got way way deep into conspiracy theories. I love them all. Did the Ancient Aliens thing, delved as deep as I could into Ufology, and then moved onto Dolores Cannon, who blew my mind right open. Welcome, Grandmother of the Golden Age. I believe she should be our first New Saint, and I think our world is absolutely littered with these giants, these saints whose work elevates, uplifts, opens, opens opens.

But anyway, each of these places open up new avenues of memory, of access to our heritage and our potential. Crop circles help a lot, especially if you feel just a constant itch you can't scratch, a deep dissatisfaction with “life.” I think the need to physical balance, for recognizing the physical as the temple, these are, at this point the tritest of words.

But these feeling states have been zooming in and out of my reality lately. I can go from thinking about an old childhood memory, to feeling as if I am sitting on top of the mountain I am looking at while drawing up meds at 5 in the morning, to being mad at my son for not cleaning up, to being in a state of bliss because I am eating a fig newton.

It is happening faster now, and this is, I think why our dear friend Jesus admonished us to KNOW THYSELF. If realities themselves are beginning to merge, if “time lines” or probabilities are indeed not without us but are in fact within us, then our reality could get pretty weird. Without establishing, reconnecting with, being quiet and listening to our own vibration, then we have our center when true north shifts. We must realize that there is indeed an observer to all these realities, all these time lines. This thought is the stabilizing one. It is the quieting one. And its message is contained in the two words, “know thyself.”

I see myself and everyone with our big, crazy, seemingly unsolvable problems, and it's all metaphor, and none of it is real, but it is so fine to think it's real. It's fine. I do it all the time! And sometime I am shut down tight to it all. But not today.

It is nice to finally feel some integration of all this theoretical stuff with flesh and bone. That is what I was missing. I needed to humanize, personalize, the ideas of probabilities and multidimensionality (versus the thoughts of past/present/future, instead it's all layered and infused with itself, sort of holographic, I guess), and have it make sense in a way that is somehow applicable.

I end by saying that I used to put myself down when I realized that something I once thought was true turned out not to be. It sort of knocks you down a peg while lifting you up more permanently. And it makes you real cautious about discussing these sorts of things. I have been wrong so many times before, and have watched as what I knew to be true crumbled to ash. That's why I did not write until now. I had to be sure. I had to be sure. And, of course, I am only sure for myself, for this moment. Let’s get that straight.

At this point, I feel a power, a recognition, a rhythm, coming through me that is different. It is more primal, more earth driven, and it is full of love, of support. And it is in this space that I know I am much bigger than I imagine, and each of us are powerful sovereigns, each of us creative giants, watching this shadow play, delighting in these sudden contrasts, knowing that this show is only the beginning.

I think upon being a creature, of embracing my creaturehood, and beginning to feel a great joy in this. I am very much enjoying talking with nature, all its representatives. Today, driving from the grocery store to home, I began to think about how to maintain the idea of interconnectedness while maintaining something of a functioning ego.

By the way, I think it a valid topic, because we think of an ego as a pushy bully. I think of an ego as my pilot. This pilot is only there for his piloting skills. Everybody got lazy and let him start navigating and doing the tune ups, and now he thinks he's the boss, but he isn't. H is a very valuable and skilled pilot who often needs to be told to sit down and fly.

I have never felt pain when in relationship with myself, or with God. I am comfortable with myself and with God, with nature. That is not in dispute. But for me, being around people is unpleasant. It sets off bombs of awareness and some of the things that occur stick for a while. That is mainly because I have magnetized some memories with the propellant of guilt. Those memories lie thickest, are the most constricting. That's because that are the falsest.

I thought about the birds as I was driving home, thinking about how to translate this big love into the physical. I thought about how birds are always there, but they are unconcerned. When my very person was falling apart, when I have had my moment of terror and near death, my moments of suffering and extremity, the birds were there. They were always there.

They told me this on the way home:

We visit you always. We are your friends. We are messengers, and we bring you tidings, reminding you of your strength. That is our message. Great strength, great miracles, are not contained in forms you might expect. Expect the unexpected! That is our message. And see that when you felt broken, we did not crowd around you like Snow White. We did not peck at you. We flew and sang, and we were unconcerned, because we know you as you are, and honor you. We are all unconcerned and yet connected, aware yet no one consciousness is able to take over another, each consciousness inviolate, each part of the whole. How could we doubt your ability to heal a bone or pay a bill?

Every problem you have set in front of you you cherish and think is a grand puzzle, so stop fretting. Stop taking things so seriously. Fly above these things, all of them connected and therefore valid and worthy of the attention you deem they are, but my goodness, lighten the perspective, see the problems smaller and yourselves bigger.

As I was putting the groceries away, I tickled myself with this thought. The Mayans, in all their wisdom and trickery, got many of us to expect annihilation. Some imagined gamma ray bursts that burn the planet to cinder. Some imagined global war and nuclear catastrophe. Others imagined that on a certain date we would all be taken into space ships. Others went the illumination route, ascension. Lots of others believe in the Rapture, Armageddon, the Apocalypse.

Can we just cut to the heart of it?

The Mayans gave all of us a giant gift of imagination. Each of us, unless it just really is not on the conscious agenda, entertained, to some degree or another, some annihilation scenario. And if you say you didn't, well, maybe you didn't on 12-21-12, but I'll bet you've seen a disaster movie. Well, lots of we lightworkers, we really did LIVE a disaster movie of sorts. I think many of us have been through similar civilization milestones, and there are hits and there are misses, so I think we were all having deep and sacred, ancient memories stirred, as well as having a totally socially acceptable avenue in which to imagine STARTING OVER. I think that's what the Mayans gave us (among many other things!).

More than once I have heard the words, “A hard reset is necessary.” Read my post called half a year. I think we, as a tribe, really needed, really required, a reset. I think the work we did on the solstice will be giving us hard resets for a long time. We are hard resetting, rebooting, reality after reality.

And there, at the center, there, having the thought about...what might be good next, and wow, the refrigerator is loud when it runs, and I wonder where I am going to work tonight, to things within really have broken wide open, what does that mean?... there is where the joy in creation, the well of courage and strength, and the self-given sense to rise above when you've finally had enough, it's from that center the thoughts come, quieting and disquieting me all at once.

I am willing now. I am cooperative now. I am no longer afraid, but, more than that, to consider fear is incorrect, because fear is a symptom of misunderstanding something, misinterpreting something. Usually seeing yourself as unable to cope with your problems, knowing silently and secretly that these are amazing and fun problems that you yourself chose.

The thing is, the game is over when you say it is over. If I no longer want lessons using the framework of crime and punishment, if that no longer interests me, then I won't experience such scenarios, unless I want to. There is no better than/less than, there is no holier/naughtier. A lot of the new age stuff is so glittery and fragile and delicate, but the work here makes one muscular and coarse sometimes.

I just know that now is not the time to worship anyone, anything, myself included. I am enough, here and now, and any limitation I have in my life, and believe me, I have a whole smorgasbord of them, I am dancing with to remind myself of its utter meaninglessness.

It is how it is because you have created it to be there. Don't like it? Concentrate on something else, something you do want. Let thoughts running through your heart build your house, not thoughts propelled through the mind, through fear. Let fear thoughts, thoughts of calamity and comparison and anything which constricts, cheapens, denigrates your person, let it all go.

It really makes no sense at all for me to prattle on now for six pages on all the techniques to bust fear, blah blah blah. You want to know how to break those paradigms, make peace with that which you find most offensive?

Stop paying attention to it.

That has been a core realization, one on which the rest of these is founded.

I really do think that's as easy as it is. I like that my focus has been and remains, on learning more about who and what I am and what the heck is going on. It remains my one true love. I finally feel like I have a living breathing relationship with a bigger part of me, who is more involved than before, or maybe always was so hands on, but I wasn't aware.

I remain an older single mom, a nurse by trade, no person of letters, a lonely traveler with a few priceless friends, a tattered and odd tribe of golden hearts. I have no idea what comes next, and that's part of the whole riddle, the joke, of being here. It's a study in the art, the silence within that moment when you fall into not knowing, surrendering completely to ones own amnesia, and finding oneself has tumbled through meaning into a place known only to those who emote, who are raw. These, my family, our tribe, we have varying exteriors, and some of us are more switched on than others, but it is time to stop harming each other for our varied states of consciousness.

The only pain I have had is with others, feeling I am letting them down, feeling responsible for their anger, their unhappiness. This is such warped thinking. The birds told me so, and every time I see one, that lesson will be remembered. There are lessons everywhere, in our house cats, in our plants, trees, our water.

A magnificent and creative a place as this is, I can no longer sing the dirge of the homesick. I am fine here. I am here. I no longer deny this experience, making it seem dirty or small or insignificant. This is not correct. Physical life is how we actualize all the work we've been doing.

I apologize. I am saying we, not I, which is presumptuous, arrogant. I feel the need to ring the bell and tell everyone. Maybe it's still midnight your time. Forgive my exuberance.

You're gonna love what comes next. I'm over here eating fig newtons, listening to the radio, thinking about my next nursing shift, and then in comes, like a gentle tumbling of snow down a mountain, comforting thoughts, real thoughts, thoughts that ring true, and that make me laugh right out loud. I amuse myself always, and am here to enjoy my ride. I hope you are enjoying your ride. And if you aren't I am as unconcerned, and as confident as the birds in your own competence, your sturdiness, your own sovereignty. All is well. Be at peace.