MAY 25, 2012: A SPECIAL GRADUATION
For those who don’t know, I have had a “thing” about the 25th of May since I started to consciously wake up, back in late January.
Just seemed like I couldn’t see, or feel, past that date. And I didn’t know why.
As the date approached I became more and more nervous, had a bit of an anxiety attack, and went to a friend who was able to settle me down. So by May 22, I had released any attachment to this May date, assuming it had been a red herring.
THIS is what happened, as written by me in the immediate aftermath of what I was experiencing. I just read it over again, and feel it must be published.
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5-25-12
My Ascension Day at 12:12 (presumably)
At the Riviera casino, killing time before going on a huge-mistake date, a waste of time and energy.
I sat at the first machine that caught my eye as I came into the casino, and began to play. I was down to maybe $6.00. And then something happened.
Indescribable bliss.
Rapture.
Sheer ecstasy.
Light, such light.
Light that came into the casino and stayed right on me, spoke to me and helped me.
And a deep knowing, to beyond my core, of who I am, a radiant blessing of light.
I have no idea how long this went on for. I do know that at one point someone came up to me and asked me if I was alright. i put a hand up and smiled. I was left alone during this event.
And while in this sweet ecstasy, the time came I was needed to make a decision to stay in the light, or to stay on the ground.
I knew without a scintilla of doubt that if I were to decide to leave, I would just stop blinking within the reality I found myself, and I would keep on living in a different vibration.
My being shook with yearning to go home. I begged from the soul of my souls, asking them sincerely, repeating again and again, “I want to go home.”
And then I realized just who and what I am. And in so doing I realized that begging is not in accord with my truth. I am not begging, this is MY choice, and always has been. My going home is not dependent on great influxes of light, and it has never been withheld from me by another.
I realize as I type this that all this time, all this great longing to go home and the belief that I have been on the receiving end of a big cosmic practical joke because I NEVER wanted to be here…. I saw this all from a different perspective.
I had been the one, always have been the only one, to withhold my going home from myself.
No one and nothing else has ever prevented me from going home.
From there I knew that the only response to the question of whether I wanted to stay or go, the only response that is in accordance with my soul path is: ,”Not my will but Thine be done. I am Yours and You are mine, and I will do as You wish, Your will.”
I looked up, eyes closed, as a blinding light came to me. It was all knowing, all encompassing, all giving and all loving. As I was making my decision, I would look up and the light was there, and I asked, if I stay, are you going to be there or are you going to leave me? And I have every assurance, and proof in my heart, that this light is always with me now, talking to a and guiding and loving me.
And this, if I am to remain, becomes the core note of my being. This great love, sacrificed so gladly before the One Creator, this is my greatest willing gift.
I give of my comfort. I give of my peace of mind. I give of my involvement in the lives of others, to whatever extent we can endure. I give my love of You to You, and am willing gladly to offer You this sacrifice of separation.
My heart breaks and I am crying as I write this of my only wish to be within and through and of You, to have the exquisite honor of kneeling in Your presence of millenia. I give You my heart of hearts.
I will give only kindness and light and delightful, playful honesty to all those I come into contact. Mine is neither to judge nor to instruct. Those who learn this way do so through contemplation of the multitudinous ways we effect each other when we are mindful and quietly quick of spirit.
Those who cannot will not understand, and they are to be loved and guided to the light, which shines equally on all deeds, in all circumstance, in all love.
This is what we give, frightful initially, since what this brings to awareness is the pain and suffering inherent in this human construct, perfectly performed in accordance to a benevolent purpose, offering great light wherever and to whatever extent the dark has inhabited.
This is the famed duality, and the grand practical joke, which cancels out every morsel of fear: light always conquers darkness.
Isn’t God wonderfully clever and playful and delightfully bold and delicious? Isn’t God all of that and a bag of chips?!
So I’ll hang here as long as it appears it is necessary for me to do so. It may be awhile. It could be another 90 years.
It’s no longer up to me. It’s not up to me. Magic and understanding and humor and generosity and simplicity and solutions and creativity, these are now my domains.
This is my moment, and I will walk on, every step a loving gift to God my creator, Source who is above and within and through and because of all things — this is my creation, my living, breathing, bleeding prayer in motion.
I have no worries, only certainty that all is (and always was, despite the living hell of it all) in absolute and divine and exquisite Order, beyond any of our understanding, each moment consecrated, each gesture, word and thought a living creation, capable of life.
There is great responsibility in the next part of all this.
I thought I’d glow or be able to transmorgrify or would carry some obvious sign or mark of this great inner change.
Imagine my disappointment realizing my cuticles are still dry, and my hair still feels funny from that new shampoo.
It’s really weird.
I will tellyou something I am quite grateful for. Once I came back and could focus at that casino machine, I continued to play, and was doing “okay,” just enough to keep going, and then ALL the lights and ALL the casino machines went dead.
The whole casino went dark.
And I heard someone whisper in my ear, “Oops.”
Oh how I giggled.
And I watched the video screen as the software got booted up. The first two sentences that kept on the screen read:
chk:allmanifest
chk:allmanifest
that got me to giggling more.
They told me that you don;t get a big power upsurge like that without needing to reboot the physical net, the physical reality. To be patient, because they were rebooting things. And it’s in the physical. Yes. It’s not imaginary. It’s real.
Now I am at a different casino’s parking structure, writing this all down, and the lighting in the garage is totally screwy where I am parked, the lights getting dimmer, then brighter, then flicker off, then come on.
It’s good to have the physical confirmation.
Things seem to be back to normal.
I decided to write because all I really want and need to do tonight is to go home and eat potato chips and maybe read or watch a movie. I couldn’t figure out a way to deal this this, because I’d made a date for tonight, first date in 14 years.
And I was initially excited about it, but this morning I realized this was not someone equipped to help me carry my burden, he is not an energetic equal. It’s not because he’s a past felon, on social security, without transport and without spending cash. I don’t really care about his past, but I do care about how able he is to function freely in his present.
And as I was trying to figure out just what to do and how to think and feel about this dilemma, this is what precipitated the change in me.
I had my headphone on, and was listening to Collective Soul. I realized that although the songs might be written to describe human love, I have always, always, always, sung along to Collective Soul imagining I was singing these songs to God.
it feels weird to even consider singing about love, or loving, a human in the way that I feel when singing songs of praise to God. It feels foreign and false and messy and confused and exhausting.
I realized I am totally and absolutely in love, in adoration, in constant worship of God. This is who I love, who I belong to and with. And I DO want to make new friends and wold feel so lucky to finally find an equal on this Earth, an equal. Someone as devoted to God, who has seen and touched and felt God. And this would fill me with such joy, more joy than I have ever known of Earth.
I wish this with all my heart. I can keep myself busy with work and interests and distractions, but oh how I yearn to be among equals, clear channels of light, enjoying learning how to use these new gifts, learning applications to the mysteries, who walk through their lives with both mind and heart wide open. Those few who have come to know that these manifestations of suffering, comparing ourselves to others, creating the illusions of doubt, guilt, shame and fear, these encircle each and every one of us in a ball of confused pain, an endless feedback loop of perceived loss and crushing grief. Stepping out of it does not occur until one intentionally and with honor, steps THROUGH it. It is not through observing and thus judging another’s interpretation of consciousness through dense matter.
Each is suffering to varying degrees and those who have not yet recognized the depths of separation inherent in this reality, those unwilling to plunge into a sharp cold pool of fearful enemies of light, plunging until one’s foot plants firmly on the bottom of that pool, skin cut to ribbons and bloodied, or untouched and bone white, pure and complete collapse of all sense of self, the pinnacle or the upside-down triangle, the depths unknown to those unwilling to admit to these things within self, then — it’s all up-up-up and out, being birthed into a place where breathing is easier, the sun is shining brightly, insanely yellow, the skies cartoon blue, fluffy little clouds, vivid greenery. Cold and wet and sparkling, considering what sounds good for lunch.
This is ascension.
I have known suffering.
And I have known grace.
I know God exists, because grace exists. Mercy exists. Kindness exists. Gratitude exists. Giving exists. Laughter exists. Thought-forms exist. Music and sound exist.
This is the proof of my faith.
This is the core of my being.
God is mine, and I am God’s.
It is the simplest and the happiest and the most lovely awareness I have ever known.
When I finally got my wits about me, I decided that the only way to handle this pending date situation was to be honest. So I called him from my car, in the first casino parking structure after my conversion, and tell him something simple.
I told him I’d just had a few realizations that have me re-thinking most of what I know, and I’d have to take a rain-check. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it. All I remember is the conclusion I gave him, that I have been given a huge gift, and I chose to stay here, and it’s a lot to integrate.
That’s when he got snippy. Maybe he thought I was mental or suicidal, what with the reference to deciding to stay here. But he actually played his role perfectly. I’m glad I didn’t spend more than the $9 I invested in that date wine, since I doubt I’ll drink it by myself.
So now I will get out of my car, go into the next casino, get my $15 free cash, probably gamble it, and then go home. I am jonesing chinese food. I need to take a shower. And I need to sleep.
I am very uncertain about one thing. Like I referenced, I always figured when this happened I would be noticeably different, But that certainly does not seem to be the case. It would appear we have a human angel phenomenon going on. Incognito, undercover angel.
Interesting.
So to not discuss the root CAUSE of the changes seems to be an important aspect of all this. It’s a lot easier to talk with people about the mechanics… 12-21-12, the Mayan calendar, angels, whatever tool is used, but discussion about God, that must be reserved for those who bring it up. It is the reason behind the miracles. And it is not something folks like to hear about.
So I will just show up. Pay attention. Be honest and nice. And I won’t expect anything.
Those are easy rules to live by.
Although ego needs feel more like a memory, I suppose there is the risk of getting disconnected. The trick is to fully show up, fully participate, fully agree. That’s a biggie. Fully agree and fully participate. With harm to none. Of course. Only for the highest good of all involved, in all ways only for good, in gentleness to every age and part of self.
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I just got the message, “OK, now you can talk about this and consider this and label this an NDE.”
Let me explain.
I re-read what I had written once I finished the “every age and part of self” line. And about 1/3 of the way through, I got really tight through my chest, and a bad back ache. About 2/3 of the way through I had to put the book down, my head feld really weird, like I was on my way out, losing consciousness, fading. My nose started to run down the back of my throat like a faucet, and I was sure it was blood. I was sure I was having a stroke or a heart attack. My heart was pounding, racing. I thought if this isn’t a heart attack, if this is some sort of energy surge, I don;t think Dad’s going to make it!
I thought about how sad it will be for my sister to learn of my body having been discovered in the Ameristar parking lot. I thought about my son. But I didn’t feel panic or even a need to remain. I was accepting this weird transition, seeing that this is the next step.
I’m dripping sweat.
It took a lot of effort to put pen to paper again. As I came out of whatever the hell that was, I craved, absolutely craved water. I remember doing some weird blessing to it, and then chugging it. I can still feel how it revived me. But then I got really nauseated. And then I hurled and hurled and hurled some more.
Then, dripping sweat and realizing I’d dodged some kind of bullet, that was CLOSE! Dripping sweat.
Cooling off now.
I was through all of that, feeling like I was literally ON FIRE. Cooling off now because of all the sweat. Thought I’d write that before I try to spin.
I can already feel the spin coming on. It wants to take me away. And I want to go.
They have my word I’ll come back to this reality and fulfill my role. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to have a little fun during the whole michigas.
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Just had another tremendous surge, so convinced I was dying. Absolutely and utterly convinced they’re going to find me dead. How could they not…my heart racing, my head distant, my body on fire and sweating, I am dying, I’m dying, this is death…..
And then the overwhelming heat and flop sweat. And deep nausea in great waves. I’ve now heaved out more than I thought I’d eaten recently. Cornbread I think! But at the last of it, through this wake of intense heat and lightheadedness and I’m-about-to-pass-out-edness, I saw a galaxy. I saw my planet. I was greeted. They had words for me. They showed me my various bodies. They got me comfortable in my skin. And then I slowly came to.
Now I’m really chilled.
Sam (my son) called me again… that’s the third time, all during this ting and always when I was somehow in a state of physicality, in these deep pockets of “reality” I know, that’s when he calls, never when I am too sick or high to answer. And he wants to know if I’ll lay his Elitch’s pass out for him in case they want to go tomorrow.
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Those were my notes from yesterday.
I decided to call in sick tonight… if it was simply a physical thing and I was sick enough to have almost died, a day off is probably not a bad idea.
But, of course, that’s not why I am calling in.
I woke up not even remembering what happened to me yesterday.
Then I remembered, and I had a weird, unpleasant clashing of what is REAL and what should NOT be real.
And here I am banging away at the computer.
So now, things are different.
I see great rolls of probabilities, and I see and feel none of the fear that used to clamor along with these sets of probabilities. I used to set one choice as bad, another as good, and think of all the ways I’d be punished for not making a good decision. Hell, I had no idea I had been doing that. But I had.
Now, it’s all just a matter of choices. Each choice brings with it a new lifetime, a new set of consequences and changes, a new set of realities. They are all equally valid and they are all of God. Which do I choose?
A part of me decided to go to work, and it was a lovely shift, a sanctified shift. They don’t happen often. That probability brings with it the effort required to mix with the certifiably insane for 12 hours. Couldn’t bring myself to do that.
With this probability removed, now what do I do?
I have never experienced this before.
I called my sister… she is busy and I just don;t have the interest in going through all of this with her.
Maybe I’ll take the train and go downtown and watch a movie at the outdoor mall, mingle with others, maybe even enjoy a beer on an outside patio before or afterward.
Maybe I’ll head up to Lookout Mountain and meditate, anchor this amazing light and just chill with the homeys.
Maybe I’ll stay home and do laundry and clean and watch a couple movies.
Maybe I’ll go to church and listen to a prophet.
Maybe I’ll take the train down to Elitch’s and ride on rides and spin my ass off as the sun sets on this magnificent day.
For once, each and every choice seems just as valid and pleasant as the next.
This, I think, is 5D. Maybe higher. God knows I’m straddling, because I stink and need a shower, and I am hungry. I’m drinking coffee, and it’s hot in the house.
Yup, this is the world I was in yesterday, and before that. the rules have not changed. And the scenery has not changed.
But I have changed.
I do not think that God talk will be where I go with that. Talking about your understanding of God is a lot like talking about your last bowel movement. Everyone has a story on the subject, and no one wants to hear them.
So I will walk on, in this new light, AS this new light, and I will continue to be as plain as mashed potatoes.
But make no mistake: I am fully realized.
I am light.
I am love.
And I am here for the ride.
