DEEPLY AWAKE - BABY STEPS INTO MASTERY?

 

DEEPLY AWAKE – BABY STEPS INTO MASTERY?

 

Can you expand (if possible) on what that means about the polarities not being random, and things being reversed?

I sense, too, that now the fun part is going to begin!

 

I am so grateful that I can be in dialogue with you. I was writing a pretty direct message my guides kept hammering away at me with: that what I once considered fact is changing, and what I now know to be true, is in fact just the lowest octave of Truth. That the things I have hidden from myself this lifetime are no longer off limits, and that I can indeed walk in dominion with my reality now.

 

There are many layers to this, but I will give you an example.

 

I had just been released from an 8 hour visit to a jail recently. I saw such brutality, such absolute disregard and disdain that the officers and jailers had for their fellow human beings. It was a big deal to have to spend time there. It brought back many memories, and I had a dark night of my soul kind of thing. The whole thing was an exquisitely set up lesson, and I am grateful for the entire experience, because the gifts from it were phenomenal.

 

Exhausted, beyond exhausted, that night, after being up over 48 hours, feeling beaten and spent and strangely stronger than before, I remember being outside on the stoop, thinking about the people who worked in the jail system. It seemed to me that being unkind was the social norm, and someone who went out of their way to comfort or assist a prisoner would be in danger. I thought and thought about that.

 

I had spent my entire nursing career secretly hating myself for having chosen that profession. I had considered it coarse, beneath me, a way to pay the bills and a way to get my heart ground into the mud. I hated it, and carried a great unhappiness within me, as if I had taken the wrong road and should have had the strength of character to have listened to my heart and pursued writing instead.

 

Sitting on that stoop I considered that in my profession, one can be technically brilliant, exceedingly clever and smart, but the highest standard, the gold standard in nursing is who is the most kind. I actually found a profession which sheltered this tender heart of mine, encouraged me to keep growing as a human, as a spirit. It afforded me great financial flexibility and I used it to explore nearly every facet of the profession. In the last week I have rocked a shift in psychiatric intensive care, neuro ICU and surgical ICU. Each unit asked me to consider applying, so that I could work with them. Each shift had bumps, but no high drama, lots of down time.

 

I set my life up to work around people striving to be the kindest they possibly can be. My jailers chose to work in a system which encourages their hatred and punishment of others. I made a beautiful choice.

 

Further, it was my mom, the distant and emotionally absent person who really did a number on my psyche as a kid, it was she who rescued me for the mess I was making of my life at 23, got me on a plane and got me into nursing school.

 

I sat on that porch and cried and cried.

 

How can I hate or resent or think poorly of a woman who came through for me at a crossroad in my life How much disdain I have carried for her, never fully realizing that she was instrumental in keeping me intact in this lifetime.

 

I sat there and integrated. Forgave. I was thrilling with love, a big divine overwhelming love.

 

My life, the meaning of my life, changed while finishing my smoke on that stoop.

 

And now, things are really opening up. And that is why I want to end with this story about a recent dinner and a movie.

 

I had been riding the ethers all day, going from one understanding to another. I decided that I would cap off a lovely day of contemplation by going to a movie house where they feed you supper. I chose a movie with time travel (the movie turned out to be a nihilistic dystopian one, and it was pretty brutal, but I had not come for the movie, really.

 

I was so hungry, and was actually breaking a two day fast. I ordered the fruit plate, and then decided I also wanted the pita bread and spinach dip. It was very decadent, but I really was excited about it.

 

A waiter came by about twenty minutes into the movie, and delivered to me a cheese platter. It looked okay, but it was not what I had ordered.

 

In that moment I had a choice. I could have sent it back, recognizing what had come to me was not what I had requested. But I did what I have always done.

 

Why did I not pleasantly and helpfully tell the nice waiter that this was not what I had ordered? I can remember feeling instantly disappointed, then bewildered, then accepting. I accepted what was offered me, even though it is not what I had asked for. I began to eat. It was okay, not great, not awful. Not what I ordered, not what I was hungry for, but okay.

 

About ten minutes later, my waitress came to me and in one hand was my fruit plate, in the other my spinach dip and pita bread.

 

She got kind of snippy, sort of scolded me, told me “That isn't yours! That's hers!” and pointed to the lady sitting a couple seats down from me.

 

Oh boy. Oh boy.

 

I smiled, laughed it off, told her I was being polite because a mistake had been made but I did not want to cause a problem. She scolded me a little bit more. I turned my attention back to the movie.

 

I heard the waitress taking to my fellow movie goer ten minutes later. The waitress told the patron that the last of the cheese had been used, and her selection was not available. “Oh my,” I said to myself at that point. “This isn't about the movie. This is about receiving.”

 

As the movie progressed my worry for my fellow patron was replaced with gratification, because the lady had chosen something else to eat, was served, and was loudly enjoying her meal. It was clear from the way my neighbor was behaving that she was happy. The guilt I had initially felt was relieved, and the movie progressed.

 

I ate all of my fruit, all of that cheese platter, and had some of the dip and pita bread they had left once the mistake had been identified. I ate, watched, pondered, and then went home. I worried that the waitress might take a hit with her tip because of my screw up, so I left her a big one, a crazy big one. It was the least I could do.

 

I have been told that this next bit is all about turning my reality on its head. Surprising myself with realizations that what I have held to be true may not be as true as some new thinking.....

 

I asked them, what am I to learn from this?

 

I was told:

 

Now you will begin to receive. Now good is finally coming to you. Now you will have people and opportunities and connections offered to you with increasing regularity. You must become comfortable with asserting yourself. You have lived a life of allowing, of letting people do as they will, running amok more often than not, and it has been your stance to allow all, to forgive all, to witness all.

 

Now the energy is changing.

 

This is not a time to accept accept accept with no thought to yourself. Now is the time to interact with my reality as someone who is sovereign.

 

There is no harm in being served the wrong food. But it produces a disturbance in the field if I accept that which I have not called to me, that which I do not recognize. There is more to this than that, but in essence, I think the lessons are as follows:

 

• It is OK to be specific with what I want to take in with my senses

• It is OK to send back or to not accept something that I did not call to myself or that I do not want

• It affects others if I settle for something I do not want in order to make someone comfortable

• Even when I screw up, I will be rewarded for the effort... this is no longer about withholding my good from myself. This is about getting comfortable receiving all things

 

 

So what I keep getting is that the reality I have known, that I am someone who scares or makes uncomfortable others, and I must keep quiet to keep others comfortable, that is fading. This is a big one. Something on the soul lesson level, moving beyond what I have known to be true. I have always held my tongue. When I do put my foot down, there is never again any question what I think and feel, but it takes sometimes years of abuse for me to speak the truth.

 

No more.

 

It is OK to have an opinion which is at variance with others. It is no longer my role to quietly observe. I have enough innate humility, enough self doubt, that I will never use spiritual gifts to enrich myself or subjugate others. I have no wish to have followers or even students. That is not my path. I cannot abide the arrogance inherent in someone saying they have answers for me. No, you don't. Don;t give me advice. Tell me what it is like in YOUR universe. I do not need advice. I need to know what has worked for you, what has not, where you have been, what you have seen, what your impressions are. From there we can communicate. From there we can teach each other, simply by sharing.

 

But I have had a few opportunities to be a spiritual warrior the last week, and I have to tell you, I am changing. I am not who I was last week. I am more open, more receptive, far less worried what others think, and very easily feeling like I am a sister to everyone I encounter. I am realizing that I can and will take care of myself in any situation. There is not one situation I will encounter where I won't be able to trust myself. I have found a deep well of trust inside of me for my own path, and I recognize the fingerprints of my guides all over events which others might see as cataclysmic or incomprehensible, or even horribly mundane and dull, like dinner and a show.

 

I am being shown that others are now going to come to me, and that I do have something to offer, but it is not instruction or approval. It is fellowship, brotherhood, humor and laughter and deep, peaceful understandings.

 

Something has shifted inside of me.

 

I know I am not being particularly articulate, and although I wish I could polish this up better, it is raw and jagged like this because a part of my psyche is still sort of raw and jagged. I feel I have been birthed into a new world, one where I have permission and encouragement to just shine my light as I see fit. I can with humor and grace point out the folly of some of the nonsense going on all around me, and I can move beyond it, love it into alignment, bless and release stuff, and I can give the gift of silence.

 

I am understanding more every day, and this understanding is indeed exponential, incremental, cohesive, a work of fractal spiritual art. It is an amazing thing to allow dinner and a movie to become a life lesson, to have one of the worst experiences of my lifetime (jail), and finish that day weeping for all the love I feel for my mom, and how much forgiveness I now know for myself.

 

To gain a voice which is neither threatening, dismissive nor arrogant, which just carries clearly and quietly reminding myself of happier and deeper truths, with harm to none but certainly no longer muzzling myself for fear of harming anothers' sensibility... You know, I think we are well past time to keep quiet for fear of hurting someone else's feelings. I am never mean, I never am attacking or hostile. But I do call a spade a spade. I do not have a problem pointing out absurdity when I encounter it. Lovingly, playfully, never shaming or criticizing another, but simply pointing out there are some things I will no longer accept as true, and there are certain behaviors I reject as valid. I do not negate the person, just the concept. Some people don;t stop until their noses get smacked like a little puppy. Just enough to wake a person up, shock them into understanding that have crossed a line. I can do that.

 

There is much more here. I feel there are deep truths setting their foundations within me, and the things I knew always to be true are no longer my true north. My compass is drifting, and a truer north is emerging, sending out its signal from deep within a land of mystery and light, laughter and safety. I can handle myself in this reality now. I will no longer get pushed around. I have figured out that it is ok to refute what strikes me as nonsense, or harmful, or backward. I can have new thoughts. I can be a master right here on earth, never doing anything more than bringing peace and understanding to my little clan.

 

Please do not think me ego driven when I say I do not believe my path is a small one. I do believe I am to be known by many. And the exciting thing is, I can FEEL our community, I can FEEL the other giants I incarnated with waking up. I can feel the shift in the air, and I know that there are many here on earth who, with me, can and will effect miraculous change on this planet. I see us banding energetically to do such crazy things as grid work, energetic healings, celebrating and talking with the ascended masters. I see it all happening sometimes, and this helps me to feel a confidence I have never known here.

 

I am gald to be here. I am disappointed this entry is much more like a rough journal entry than a polished piece of dictation, but my energies are low and I am not hearing as well as I usually do. Even though not as coherent as usual, this is a message I need to put out there, wondering if others feel this deep resonance of mastery coming though, and I need to know if others are feeling deep, profound dissonance with this. I have long held my tongue, known my place, and allowed, forgiven, accepted all. Am I walking a good path when I no longer can, in good conscience, hold my tongue when others are doing harm to someone else, or themselves. Is that OK?

 

I am interested. I truly doubt anyone is even going to get through this mess, not certain anyone will resond, but I am curious to know if others are feeling they are being handed the reins by trusting and loving friends who are more convinced of my abilities than I am. If you are out there, please let me know if you resonate with this. I am puzzled by it all. Thrilled, but puzzled.