ascension

DEEPLY AWAKE – REAL

I could go on and on about what is going on with my new job, and how I feel about it all, but I have no interest. It's just another set of circumstances, these better than those that have come before, and there will be lots of nice people today on my first day, and it will be surprisingly easy and effortless to work there.

OK, now that that is done, let's get on with the real reason we are here: Do you ever, even after watching a real good video on youtube, or reading something really inspirational, do you ever just look around, shake your head, and just simply refuse to believe all this stuff about energy and shifts and change is even real?

Does it ever just sneak up on you, that your beliefs are unusual, not held by most, and could be 100% wrong? What if it is all wrong.

Now, these waves of doubt used to hit a lot harder than they do now. And thankfully, I now have a few months of evidence, so that when the doubts come up, I can list all the things that are irrefutable and totally opposite what could and should have happened.

I am uncomfortable today. I am wearing a dress, worried about what I will encounter at my new job today, wondering just how I might wind up screwing this up, wishing I had a more comfortable bra, just wishing I wasn't so lazy and retarded.

DEEPLY AWAKE – WAITING

I am sitting at a table in a public library, three of us gathered to work on our books, our November task with NaNoWriMo, our labor of love and self-indulgence, and yes, there is some dreaming involved.

And I sit here, looking at the pale aqua Formica desk this laptop I love so much now rests on, listening to my old friend J.S. Bach explain things to me with his fugues, and I am waiting. Just waiting.

I feel like I always have been waiting, that in one way or the other, every day has some portion of it devoted to this thing with which I've developed such a twisted relationship. Waiting.

I know I have kicked myself a lot for having the patience of Job, and kicked myself equally hard for just not knowing when to hold my horses sometimes. Rushing forth from the gate long before anyone has given any indication they are ready, some spaz in a pale pink jogging suit, running like she's never gone more than a couple yards before, just hollering, “Whee! Let me at 'em.” And then there is her sister, unwilling to get out of bed, not caring that the sheets are filthy, just letting it all go into stasis and lengthy introductions, excruciating meetings, decisions made, relationships formed, relationship sucks, relationship dissolves, and once again, I am huddled beneath my blanket, wishing all the pain would just go away, and knowing no one else is quite this psychotic about normal things.

DEEPLY AWAKE – ANYMORE

I have to admit I have msnbc on in the background, crowing about how good things are today, grousing about how terrible some things are, mentioning what the White House staff are going to be enjoying in their soup bowls a few hours from now.

But I feel divorced from it, certainly not as plugged into the drama and the intricacies. That used to be what I turned on very first thing, and I watched at least three hours of news a night. But those were my history days, when I was reading biography after biography, history book after history book.

It's different now, and driving home from taking Sam to school, contemplating the 36 hours of alone time I now have to enjoy, I found myself thinking about my instructions this morning upon awakening.

Anymore, it's not dreamscapes I bring back from sleep with me, it's instructions. Sometimes only one word, sometimes two.

My awareness today: The outside matching the inside. That's it. But those words are merely symbols for an entire experience I had while dreaming, I can just feel it!

DEEPLY AWAKE – ELECTION DAY

Today is the day. This is it.

By tonight, God willing, we will know what to expect, from which bag of tricks our political future will try to be pulled from.

What if the frightened haters of this nation elect Romney?

I believe that, due to all the hateful speech and behavior, that Obama is going to win, and that Romney will only be elected if there are voting irregularities. Last night I saw news indicating we need international voting officials to officiate. We have lost our way, and voters are stuck in long, long lines. Democratically held precincts, mind you. Such dirty tricks!And let's not forget that 18 of our 50 states have abandoned exit polling. Eighteen states up for grabs.

I had promised myself that if Romney gets in, we are moving to Europe. His America is not my America, and I will bow out.

Now, I am not so sure.

DEEPLY AWAKE – DON'T TELL ANYBODY

Mike Birbiglia bases his masterpiece “Sllepwalk With Me” roughly on the structure contained in those three little words. A raison d'etre, a clarion call to a distant shore, “Don't tell anybody,” has been something we have all been inculcated to, a culture of shame, a culture of closed doors and separation and want, emotional neglect, letting dreams die on the vine, letting hopes shrink, all under the hot sun of “Don't tell anybody.”

That's why I like doing this blog. I am learning that with every unveiling I just feel better. Yes, I feel wobbly, and no one will ever know just how much I need those posted replies. They have kept me going.

Imagine going into a floor-to-ceiling mirrored changing room, and in there is the one outfit that you most want to wear, the one ball gown or tux or dashiki which just LOOKS like how you want to look. It's not like anything anyone has ever seen, and even though you know you will be over-dressed, you cannot stop yourself, you have to slip it on.

It fits like a glove, and your body, well, it's weird to tell you this, but your whole body, and your face, well, they just LOOK different. YOU look different.

Aw, this is just too good to pass up. You have to burst out of that dressing room and show everybody. See the sparkles? Observe the fine hand stitching, feel the rightness of the cloth.

And there you stand, in your finery, the one outfit which most closely resembles what you think you really should look like. What kind of reception do you get? Are there cheers? Are there cat calls? Are there groans and is there eye rolling? Or do you have a couple of fans who whoop, laugh and cry out, “You have never looked better in your life!”?

That's what those comments are to me.

DEEPLY AWAKE – HAD I NOT

Had I not been over there,

I would now not be here and

Had that occurred here, I would

not have known myself over there.

And so it goes,

around and around they

never told me it

would be like

this

Around I go and

nearly flung off a

time or two around

again and

here we go come

to a stop

Here

Overlooking this green park,

spent, arms dangling from the

DEEPLY AWAKE – REHEARSAL

No wonder, I am being canceled a lot lately. Nature's way of saying I need to accept the regular job, but more than that, being off was essential to work with this incoming energy. Such pure shots of it have we been getting. Surprising we aren't all walking around with nosebleeds.

When I am anticipating working a night shift, I hunker down, stay in my jammies, putter and mutter around the house, just flit from one light pursuit to another. Often I do not write, because doing so creates a disturbance in the field, chops and rearranges and redefines stuff, creates new arenas of sound and possibility. It's just too much sometimes.

So yesterday, I read a little, watched a little TV, but really felt very flat. Under the surface, things were happening, and all I had to do was just try to go to sleep. Yeah, just try it. Ha!

I laid down around 1pm, and kept getting swept into this subject and that pursuit online. Hard to settle my mind on any subject, everything feeling just a little much, a little too much, not in an, “Ooh, I am overwhelmed and just can't TAKE anymore!” way, nope, more like just not being able to find one thought, or family of thoughts, that would just let me get quiet.

I finally gave in.

DEEPLY AWAKE – EVENTS KEEP OCCURRING

I love Roz Chast. If you want a genuine belly laugh, and someone who will assist you in reframing what seems to be really important to you at any given time, pick up her book Parallel Universes. You'll laugh out loud. The title of this piece is in homage to her cartoon about “Lite Literature Classics”, I think it's the lite version of War and Peace. Events Keep Occurring. Ha!

I was canceled last night, the night of the monthly Kirtan here in Denver at Mile Hi Church of Religious Science. The first one I ever attended was just two months prior. I missed September's, had to work. So I was unsurprised when the call came through that I was not to work last night. I was ready.

Getting that cancellation helped me have the wherewithal to make a decision, and I accepted the contract job at a local hospital. I'll work day shift on the cardiac floor until the month of my birthday. I will make sure I have the 12-12 and the 12-21 off, but I will sacrifice a little bit of my freedom to correct this financially listing ship. I made that commitment, got spiffied up, and then wrote “Weed,” then headed off to Kirtan.