reflection

Today I find myself humbled once more as I realize that uprooting to another location to remove myself from toxicity was not the soulution.  Here I am face to face with the same themes that have been a part of my life... control, insecurities, anger, and manipulation.  There they are in front of me again, different players, same themes.

But universe, I thought I was doing the right thing by removing myself from situations that do not serve me.  I am living a simpler life.  I have given up most of the possessions and titles I have worked a lifetime to secure.  I walked away from corporate money to serve community in a holistic way.

Is this not enough? What more can I give?  What more can I do?  How much more do I need to give up?  Why is it so hard to be at peace?  I have no home right now.  In the last month I have been released from gigs due to budget cuts... I feel lost and so naked.

I know I deserve more than what my current reality is offering me.  I want is peace, love, a harmonious home, financial freedom.  I want the abundance that is mine by divine right.

Sigh, I get it now...  It is not about moving/changing locations.  It is about facing these vasanas and looking at them straight in the eye, with poise, grace, and love.  It is about embracing that I can not control the environment outside of me.  It is about surrender.  I am so emotional.  Tears are flowing out of me so much so that I can hardly see the words I am typing on my computer.

Yet despite this roller coaster of emotions, I can hear my inner being saying to me that before I can experience the rainbow, I need to experience the rain.