KIRTAN

KIRTAN

Last night, I was canceled from my shift. I remembered seeing an email about Kirtan, an ancient chanting ceremony that my church holds monthly. I'd always been interested, but Friday nights off are hard to come by. I got showered and traveled to the same neighborhood as the hospital, at the same time I would normally be going to work. It was nice to know that I was so protected and guided.

I never fret when I am canceled, because I see this as my guides enforcing other kind of activity. I have had some amazing experiences on my canceled nights off, and this night was no exception.

The sanctuary was gently lighted with white Christmas lights and many votive candles, much flickering, and such a delicate beauty was struck in the room. There was an altar, and the stage was beautifully and lushly appointed with Hindu posters and Indian cloths. I could sense this was going to be an important night for communication.

I began to meditate, shoes off, no rubber insulating my generation of energy... I purposefully sat under a light. When I would look up it felt like Them, like when They've visited me in the past.

I got the message, loud and clear and CLOSE, “we are RIGHT here”

I knew I would be given any information I asked for. I tried to cull my concerns, my questions, to their essence. And after a little interference (on my part... ambivalence in learning the truth) I was right with Them. I asked about my finances, my family, these two issues are like unending knots, so tangled and weird I don't think I'll ever figure it out.

They did not give me the magic bullet, the key which will bring peace. Rather, They said that these issues are pretty much the only thing holding me to earth, allowing me to pass as human. “To be human is to be in conflict.” They also explained that I did this on purpose. The financial weirdness in particular requires my sticking around to figure out, since it must be worked out in time, but it speaks to a greater truth.

This greater truth is contained within the problem, and I have set up some real goodies in these last koans. They will lead to intense understandings. They are core. They are dealing with my identity, my real heritage.

But They said that I need to feel gratitude rather than shame when approaching these situations. They are gifts and nothing more. As with the writing, the ANSWER to everything is already worked into the seeming PROBLEM. By working the problem and thinking on the issue, and practicing many approaches, the answer that has always been organic to its statement as question becomes clear.

As the Kirtan began, the first sound toned was “Om.” There were at least 50 participants. To hear so many other people say this holy, sacred word in the way I say it, oh my, the waves of gratitude and homecoming I felt were enormous. I was finally able to join in on the 4^th or 5^th om. Until then, every time I considered it, I would hear the voices around me say Om, and I was filled with such bliss, such thankfulness, I just cried.

When I got going, I found I had a comfort with the chanting that did not surprise me in the least. The wording was awkward, and often imperfect, but the effect was no less diluted. But They'd told me before the music began that I had sat many Kirtans, and it was exciting to be here for the first in This Lifetime, conscious,

There was a chant which had me smoothing this funky, chunky energy... energy in clumps, long clumps, angular and unhappy, and I chanted and these energies smoothed.

I did a lot of energy running. I got to manipulate energy, with Their help, and that was awfully fun. It was enough to just be aware of the sensations of the energy and how liquid and plastic it is, but to form anything from it consciously, this comes later.

The other chant which moved mee immensely felt much like the dance scene in one of the Matrix movies, during that night of celebration and defiance. And then I moved from the celebration of the Few for the Many, and traveled to a place and time when there was a whole civilaiztion celebrating their unity. And then I could feel a time and place, a reality, where there is absolutely no seperation from other. there is only unity. There is only love and acceptance and holy bliss.

There were many more gifts. These are a few. I am now listening to Krishna Das, and am very happy. Very content. In a parallel space where conflict and difficulty do not exist. There is ease here. Identity. Love. Acceptance.

One of the nicest things about waking up is the whiffs of pretty smells I get now. Very unusual smells, lots of rose smell, and Kirtan was very smelly. Lots of smell, good smells.

That is all I have to say about Kirtan.