My dinner was infested with a discussion on politics. I can't stand it. I tried to leave. They told me to sit down. I sat down. WHY did I sit down? They went on and on talking about horrible thingsand I felt so hot I took my wig off at the table and I said PLEASE! I cannot talk politics! I cannot stand this!!!!!
Finally someone came by and began talking about the wonderful thanksgiving with dancing and singing and I saw my chance to leave and I ran out of the dining room, went to the front desk and asked the staff to pray for me. I ran into one of my dinner ladies in the elevator and I was not going to get in the elevator with her but she promised she would not talk politics anymore. I went up to my room and starting crying violently, my body hurt all over and I began to wheeze in asthma again, happens so rarely but it happened tonight. They CAME TO MY ROOM trying to apologize and tried to explain why this talk about politics was so important and I shouted at them, "Can't you see that this hurts me? Now you have told me of people who died that I didn't even know about and I feel helpless, they are dead and I COULD NOT PROTECT THEM and they said well, war just happens and we can't control it and I said NO!!!!! We have to change human nature! We all have to love, we all have to want peace, we have to talk about peace and not war, we have to give up on war because when we kill people we are also killing the planet! And I asked them to declare peace on earth and they said they would do it privately and I said PLEASE do it publicly so that it will inspire others to have hope and they both refused to declare peace on earth pubicly, I do not understand why.
I am not strong enough... I want to be strong like the rest of you. HOW do I become strong? My meditations are beautiful and I feel good when I do them but in the meantime I have some sort of strange mission here with these people and I cried like a banshee and I screamed "I will not have it! I will not have our planet die because we allow our governments to use our money to kill people, to make children into soldiers, to impoverish the world. This planet is alive and it is DYING because we can't stop killing each other? WE have to CHANGE!!!!
And then they started speaking more positively, trying to console me, and we all "agreed" not to talk politics at dinner anymore and I hope that works. And I think if this happens again I will quietly take my plate and move to another table.
WHY am I such a weakling that I have to go to my room and cry and then they actually pursue me and all show up in my room without my even wanting them to? One of them said that if I did not open the door she would call the staff so I HAD TO let her in!
Help me, help me, Archangels, I want to do more and I want to do my part and i just seem suddenly mired in crap here. This is harder than I thought it would be. How foolish of me to think that I could move in with these people and somehow help them awaken? Yet there Was that woman who wrote a beautiful poem for me and they for some reason get excited when I come in the room they all want to see what color hair I have, what I am wearing, what age I am projecting. They say the curly hair makes me a teenager and they like the grey wig best.
I knew something was coming when my computer and I were not able to work in symbiosis as we usually do and everything just went haywire.
Please forgive me for taking up so much space tonight but the whole day was so strange, that lovely sense of peace and progress retreated into myself and I felt as if I were being attacked by my closest friends in this place where I live.
I think I will skip breakfast.
Astreia Freaking Out Here Calling 911 Guardians come to my assistance please.....
dear sister
dear sister..i was in tokyo train when i read a comment of yours to an article.. you were calling for help of light. i wanted to reach you and hug you.. but i couldnt even write an answer.. i was stravelling at standing pose.. than i forgot you.. i forgot your message.. i was so into my trip back to home and than the dinner thing..
now i turned on laptop and began looking around in facebook, than gfp.. ohh there you are... I read your erticle.. i realized you are the same person who wrote that earlier comment whic i read on train..
excuse my long entrance :)..
well what do i want to say now..
i hug you. i hug you with my wife. i hug you togather with our not borned yet 6 month old baby whose name is Maya.we hug you with our spirit.. we hug your spirit..we love you dear sister. all i can say you now; we are almost there.. hold on.. hold on... you are doing well. you are doing so extremly well. you remind me an old picture agirl or boy standing infront of an army tank with a flower in hhis or her hand.
standing infront of an army with a flower in the hand needs heart.. You have this heart dear sister. the army is not necessarily made of all by bad guys.. their problem is at their long deep sleep. but no matter. we are almost there.. .. i see the crossroad ahead.. in the path we choose you wont be hurt like that again.. hold on now.. smile.. when they speak politics began singing a love song loudly.. let them call you crazy if you want.. be happy.. be happy.. so much love to you
Thank You!!!!!!!!
Oh thank you for answering my distress call. I just am not good at telling peole what to do apparently. I ran up to my room to get away from the politics and then they all came knocking at my door to apologize!!!! And I was already crying, and I said I HAVE TO CRY.
So they watched me cry and they kept apologizing and i said "Stop apolgizing. I don't want apologies, I want change!" and they talked about how change takes a long time and I said NO! We don't HAVE a long time!!!
And they kept trying to explain why they had been arguing about Israel and palestine and iran and all that stuff and I said PLEASE PLEASE DON'T DO THIS... and they didn;t understand and I told them WE ARE KILLING OUR PLANET AND WE HAVE TO CHANGE HUMAN NATURE and they said "That is impossible" and I said IT IS NOT! WE ARE DOING IT RIGHT NOW! oh, God.....
My room is my sanctuary.
I have always needed to have a sanctuary.
They came uninvited right into my sanctuary, these people I love so dearly. The first one to come in said "Open this door or I'll call the front desk and tell them you are not okay." Whew, the last time I heard anything like that was when I had SEPSIS.
They told me that the changes that have to come are in the physical planet cleaning up and just cutting the military budget and I said NO! My son's friends are joining the military because THEY CAN'T FIND JOBS. I went on and on about that one, about how our system here is set up to kill people and it's GOT TO STOP and how guilty I felt because I couldn't stop it. The whole panorama of my life: they are hurting each other and I can't stop them!!!!!
And i told them that when they told me that Roosevelt (which one?) had turned away a boatload of Jewish refugees and they all died because of that and they thought we should remember that forever I kept saying NO! WE HAVE TO FORGIVE IT WE ALL DID IT. and of course they had no idea what I was talking about.
And I told them how hopeless it made me feel and so weak to think that I cannot even stop war on this planet, how I kept trying all my life and couldn't do it, and I mentioned the 60s and how people were FORCED to kill others and it drove them STARK RAVING CRAZY and that is why the homesless veterans are panhandling all over the place and dying on the streets and I talked about how the SWAT teams come out whenever there is a protest and we all have to declare PEACE onf earth!!! And I got them to say it in my room but when I said this message has to get out will you make a video and they said NO. I cried so hard!!!!! i wailed like a banshee and I told them "This is how asthma attacks start....." and they wanted to call a nurse and I said NO! I don't need a nurse, I know how to stop this myself!!! We have to be calm NOW.
I enjoy being a little bit charismatic and entertaining them by dressing differently each day and wearing different colors of wigs and hats and singing silly songs and they like me now, even some of the really really old ones who ask me my name...they ask me who I am every time I see them and I tell them.... and because I wear wigs that are not grey most of the time they ask me "What do you do here?" and I say "I live here."
This is so WEIRD the place is beautiful the food is terrific they clean my room they do my laundry everyone who works here loves their jobs and they are happy all the time so I feel supported. But I felt violated when my friends all came up to my room and DEMANDED to apologize to me... don't say you are SORRY just change things!!!!!
Whew.
On the other hand, there is an enormous Santa Claus on my floor, so beautiful he looks almost alive, and when I first went downstairs for dinner they were having happy hour and they handed me a little glass of red wine and I thought, wow, I have sweet orange oil on my foreheaad and this is communion.
And I talked with the contractor who manages the building and he said he is planting fruit trees and gardens, we are going to have an herb garden and passionflowers and mango trees and so many wonderful things, and I said WOW! how can I get a job here! lol and he told me that his greatest joy is to make this place as beautiful as possible because when he retires he is just going to hand all the keys to the next guy and say "Don't fuck it up. I'm LIVING here now."
I really DO work at keeping a happiness level here and it was working so well until I just absolutely blew up at them for talking about wars at the dinner table. And they promised they will not do it again.
Thank you thank you thank you.......this little assignment here which I took on by my own decision and which also helps ME is sometimes a little more than I expected.
Astreia
UPDATE
Those people on the boat did not die from being turned away - they went to Switzerland.
My friends were so right to insist on coming into my room and I thank them for refusing to leave until I was visibly okay. They are enjoying the misty mornings.
You helped me even when You were unable to answer right away - I felt Your help.
P.S.
Such fervent congratulations to you on your coming child and such gratitude for you wrapping me up with your family. I do feel better.
Love Astreia