Just when you think you have it figured out... you don't!!

 

I have spent many years ...

 

many lifetimes with this inner feeling of numbness

 

a dull pain and sadness... that i could never put my finger on.

 

so i did everything i possibly could to fill this gap...

 

i tried fame, fortune, materialism, drugs, money and power...

 

none of these worked.

 

i tried religion, education, philospohy, medicine, science...

 

the more i "educated' myself... the more confused i became.

 

i tried mothering as an occupation... which ended in smothering...

 

only pushing away that love i wanted my children to feel, by trying too hard

 

i tried to fill this empty space with love... that did not seem to work either.

 

no matter how hard i loved,,, the harder my heart broke inside.

 

i lost myself along the way.

 

searching for others to fulfill this need... this emptiness, this greed.

 

holding too tightly to love, because you fear it will never return...

 

this will not work

 

it cannot work

 

sometimes i feel guilty for every single pain humanity has suffered

 

other times, i feel as though i was tricked... trapped into this 3D box... reality?

 

i weep and weep and cry myself to sleep

 

become the life of the party... the social butterfly to extremes

 

then a hermit, caged in, heart on lockdown (they can't see me)

 

somehow i feel i have come full circle, trapped yet again...

 

this emptiness will not fade away... 

 

no matter how many others i may heal

 

i cannot hide from love

 

it is time to love myself

 

it is time to know that i am worthy of this

 

to know this is not selfish... but natural

 

for all i know ... i dont know anything at all.

 

except that I AM LOVE

 

xo

 

p.s. afterthought... i recorded this song about a week ago & really did not know who it was that i was singing to, why it was so sad and so dark... i sound as though i am underwater... indeed. now i know who it was for... MY HEART

http://soundcloud.com/iamstasha/die-without-you-pm-dawn-cover

 

NOW THAT I HAVE GOTTEN THIS OFF MY CHEST, AND INTO A SONG.

 

 

I REALIZE HOW SAD IT SOUNDS... 

 

TIME TO MAKE HAPPY MUSIC...

 

TIME TO MAKE HEALING SOUNDS..

 

I AM SO HUMBLED AND GREATFUL AND BLESSED TO HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE, AND THESE AMAZING SOULS, FRIENDS, FAMILY IN MY LIFE.

 

THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ENTERED INTO MY LIFE RECENTLY, HAVE ENTERED MY HEART COMPLETELY. WHEN I FORGET I AM STRONG, YOU REMIND ME.

 

YOU GIVE ME COURAGE WHEN I AM WEAK AND AFRAID

 

YOU SHOW ME THAT TRUE LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP DO RESIDE ON/IN EARTH.

 

I AM SO PROUD AND BLESSED, MY HEART WEEPS AGAIN... BUT THIS TIME IT IS DIFFERENT. THIS TIME, IT IS A DEEP KNOWING...

A FEELING.

 

INTUITION

 

I KNOW THAT MOST OF YOU HATE WHEN I SAY THIS, BUT THANK YOU.

SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED A LITTLE BACK UP...

 

JUST IN CASE

 

;)