Sifting Through the Debris

by Zen Gardner

I’m asking “where to now” in many contexts as this all transpires. Not just my own life that has been seriously derailed from its previous direction and that of my children now being put through this renewed societal abuse syndrome, but of the so-called truth community in general. That such vicious and unconscious reactive outbursts could be triggered by anyone telling their personal awakening story, no matter how sordid their past may appear and all the innuendo and assumptions that transpire, is remarkable to behold.

Yet the irony continues. People are examining the rubble of my past and insisting I’m still a part of that. Better yet, I’m a rocket ship that attained escape velocity out of the abusive matrix and jettisoned my earlier stages of my propelling device that crashed back down to earth. And people are fixated on that and totally forget about the rocket that used that as fuel, and all from a comfortable armchair of viewership.

It could have been anyone, but it happened to be me. And I’m very thankful for it. It has propelled me exactly where I wanted to go, out of the futile information loop and previous life into the unknown, a subject I’ve written about for some time.

I don’t mean to sound glib about this, considering how worked up some people are, and this isn’t a defense strategy. It’s an analysis of this phenomenon that’s taking place over not just my admissions of my previous life, but the underlying lack of grounded understanding on the part of so many. As I’ve said in my recent replies article, it indicates a massive lack of self work on the part of so many and it’s truly disturbing. Yet at the same time it is very understandable considering the nature of the sensational information.

Knowing that the external triggers are what is unresolved in ourselves is essential to personal growth and realization. This may sound a bit dispassionate or disconnected to those who want me to grovel in remorse and guilt and shame, but I’ve worked past all that. What’s left is your reaction. And some people have some serious work to do, as do I.

I have lots of work to do. This is wonderfully humbling and actually opening new opportunities to help and heal others who’ve been through all kinds of manipulative and abusive situations. And that includes everyone in this matrix of deceit and oppression we were born into. But it’s still very disturbing.

Trigger City

We were supposed to be in this together, supporting and helping each other. But it’s apparent that certain triggers are alive and well in so many that a sudden tide replicating the matrix mainstream mindset based on fear and hysteria were set off, and caused a chain reaction. Now I’m even being called an Illuminati “prominent” whatever that means. There’s no end to hysteria once it sets in with some people. “Try the spirits” as the saying goes. A lot of people’s baggage as well as dark spiritual influences are attaching to this tide of doubt and fear.

Many of you totally understand what I’m talking about, having been through the dark night of the soul and serious heart searching for many years, but apparently the unconscious and essentially judgemental and unforgiving attitude we grew up with is alive and well in many still.

And the results have been shocking, and so so revealing. Many who I never would have thought would react so shallowly and irresponsibly have gone off like land mines. The safe road was an easy choice at some level; distance yourself from the pariah and save your hide while perpetrating the easy prey witch hunt. That says so much but is still heartbreaking. “They know not what they do.” comes to mind.

Others have been so empathetic and understanding, again usually based on personal experience, it’s brought me to tears many times. The understanding expressed has been a balm to my soul and I thank each and every one for their kindness in reaching out to me during this tumultuous time. Others I didn’t answer quick enough when this all hit, not taking into account the barrage of attacks I was under, and their imagination went wild, again based on their own issues coming to the fore or desires to distance themselves. I’m just one person handling all this and I fail, get overloaded and overwhelmed. But it’s getting better thankfully.

Yet It Remains Disturbing

Where is this alternative community at that it will turn on one of its own who’s done nothing but share his awakening in sincere love with others? I’m not worried about the tainted who are reading this saying I’m a fraud, that’s their personal issue with doubts and fears and usually previous betrayal and abandonment issues. I’ve been there. I wish you well in your healing.

But seriously, what condition are we in that this could transpire like this with such virulence and acrimony and revenge? What’s powering it? I’ll tell you one thing, with the effect I and others have been having it’s no wonder anything here or in the spiritual realm would jump on the bandwagon of destruction in a heartbeat. I’m not trying to deflect anything here, this is a spiritual reality whether it’s me in this pariah situation or someone else.

What effect are they having? Another good question to ask is, why? Why are people doing what they do? What’s the objective?

But 27 Years??

I have to address this point, but it won’t satisfy most. To understand why someone would get caught in something like this for such a long period of time can be comprehended by few. I’m not going to play the victim card as I remain totally accountable for my actions and inactions, but when such intense programming 24/7, even though willfully waded into, is working in your mind, heart and psyche, you lose your bearings. We didn’t have outside information, not even music. This was as insular as you can get except outright captivity.

I don’t expect very many to even begin to grasp what it’s like, the self-sustaining justification mechanisms, fear of failure and retribution, and on and on. Only an MK or cult, sect or ism survivor can truly grasp what happens. It’s no excuse. I wish I had been stronger and gotten out sooner. I came from my own severely damaged past and apparently wasn’t equipped or just too afraid to do otherwise.

This will have to suffice for now. No doubt this will be addressed more in the future. But you can imagine how weird it is to see people jump on someone who’s been in such an unconscious yet all pervasive abuse system who comes out about it and gets put through the ringer again. Very very strange, surreal, and as I said, pretty disturbing.

As For Me…

This is extremely painful yet liberating. Suffering is the road home, and I’ve been put on that road most of my life. Yes it’s heartbreaking to see all I’ve done trashed by so many, my articles and archives removed from sites, contributors pulling away from my site, people I thought were friends going ballistic and having to receive nasty epithet-laden emails. It’s no cake walk as everything has severely shifted in my life, but I have to say it sure is liberating and a massive and intense education.

I’m not angry, and sorry to say for some nor am I destroyed. This is helping reveal the true me to myself and I like what I’m seeing. I’m not trying to gloss this over as some are no doubt thinking right now. I have serious issues to overcome in my character and my life. I’ve asked for this as I want to keep progressing, no matter the cost. That it came so drastically only shows what a hard nut I am to crack. Again, universe knows best and I’m not fighting it.

I don’t know how far this message will go. I’ve been banned from facebook with over 30 thousand readers thanks to the diligent efforts of that core group firing this all up. My site is under constant attack as the main person who set all the brushfires is a professional very accomplished programmer, so it’s been no end of work to keep the site functioning. If it goes down, it won’t be me pulling out. Just so you know that. I know many of you are experiencing problems accessing the site and commenting. I apologize for that but that’s the reason.

As for the commenters bitching about me not posting their tirades….really? What do you think I owe you? I ran everything for a week or so when this first broke so people could have their say. Anyway, those are drying up thankfully. People can read all the other stuff going around everywhere whenever they want. I don’t have to post their vitriol and misplaced issues. They can fan their own flames somewhere else.

That’s about all I have to say right now. I have a series of interviews coming up soon that will address many questions and people can see I’m actually who I was and am, not the “monster” image and psyop demon or whatever people’s misguided imaginations have conjured up. I’m an open book and you can see and feel it in my writings and interviews. I just had a large chapter I would rather not have brought up because I knew what would ensue, but I knew it would some day. This was it. I was working towards it when I started opening up to close friends but someone was so shook up by it they passed it on.

I’m glad they did. No hard feelings. It was understandably very disturbing information, which is why I was asking this person for a specific healing treatment regarding that time in my life. It’s understandable all these strong reactions, especially with the person I’ve become since then seeming to be so contrary to all that sensational dirt.

What do you think made strong people strong? What made overcomers overcomers? Why do people become activists and reach out to help others?

No worries. Only good can come of it. We’re all learning. And I stand by everything I’ve written and said during this woken up stage of my life. I heartfully meant every word of it. I may have changed my stance on some viewpoints and understandings as I keep evolving, but you felt my heart.

Try not to let all this rob you of the truths I’ve spoken, whatever you think of me.

Love always, Zen

P.S. I’ll close with a quote that says something quite profound, despite the source:

“It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again;
who knows great enthusiasms,
the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while
DARING GREATLY
so that his place shall never be
with those timid souls
who know neither victory or defeat.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

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