I MUST APOLOGIZE

Submitted by astreia on Mon, 08/27/2012 - 12:09

My lower chakras, which I intentionally shut down many years ago, are awakening. I apologize for it happening on screen. When I began reciting the poem from so long ago, I had forgotten how it ended. You all had the not-so-wondrous opportunity of seeing me clear out sorrow right there in front of you.

I was married twice in this lifetime - both were very unusual marriages - and then I met my son's father and we never intended to marry, and didn't. And as soon as my son was conceived, I began shutting down the lower chakras and went through menopause so early that my own doctor did not believe me. Then when my mother died of ovarian cancer and I saw what she went through and how LONG it took, I insisted on a hysterectomy. So I am "spayed." LOL

The poem was true, I actually DID fall in love at the age of three with a skinny accordion player I saw on TV!!! I used to kiss the tv screen whenever he appeared and I adored him. It was on the Lawrence Welk show, anybody here remember that? And then I kept falling in love with people who didn't love me, and that was awful, so once I had my son I thought I was done with it. I decided not to fall in love anymore. And that was what came up when I recited that poem on-screen, I realized that I had made that decision, and it didn't resonate with what I am feeling at these wonderful LOVE parties. Especially now that I am aware of it.

I AM, of course, in LOVE with you all now, but so longing to be with my twin flame! I am mourning whatever I did that has kept us apart for so long and I am crying. I thought I saw him, I thought we were communicating telepathically, and then I remembered that poem and realized what I had done. I had decided at a very young age not to "fall in love" anymore. I think I was about thirteen at the time. I didn't mean not to LOVE, but that man-woman thing was just too intense.

Now I am all insecure again and have to fight my way through it. But there is another poem that I recall that tells me something else. I came here to be a peaceful warrior. And I came here to work alone, or so it felt, and I am having a hard time realizing that I was never alone. Here is another childish poem that I wrote and you can see what is going on now. I wrote this poem when I was about 14, two years into my work as the Protector of my sister's baby (he's fine, he's a pediatric neurosurgeon now):

 

I come here to listen,

I come here to cry,

I come here alone

Though I never know why,

I come with a purpose,

I come with a cause,

I come here to battle without any claws.

 

And that is how I felt, like a kitten with no claws. At the time, it actually FIT the situation I was in. I really WAS a kitten with no defense except my own spirit - and the Spirit guiding me, but I didn't know that then. And now I realize why my life was so strange, it was because I was trying to be so independent. It is still easier for me to give than to receive, and THAT definitely has to change!!!

 

So please forgive me and all my old sad poetry. There were some beautiful, happy poems, too, but for some reason those are not the ones I am remembering right now. I will have to find them on paper somewhere as I go through all these infernal boxes. The emotions are high as I get rid of most of what I own. Friday, a thrift store took about half the furniture....they wouldn't go upstairs. So I have some people coming to move the rest of the furniture downstairs so they can take it, too. Everything is all discombobulated and i keep having to remind myself that they are "just things." It's the memories attached to them that are the problem.

 

I used to have a house, and BLUEBIRDS came into my backyard all the time, hummingbirds too. I miss them. I planted special flowers for them and kept the cats indoors during the day so the birds would feel safe, and then let the cats out at night when the birds were in their nests. My life certainly was not sad all the time, just that I am going through yet another clearing period and it is hard now. Even during the worst times of my life I cared for people and somehow, the listening helped them.

 

And now your listening is helping me. And I thank you. Forgive me for nearly melting down on screen.

 

Love and blessings,

Astreia

Hey, Sister! I did not witness your reading but whatever happened I AM sure it's okay. We LOVE you unconditionally. And I think you're awesome. I can't wait to meet up with you in person or light bodies or the next dimension or whatever...

MUCH LOVE to you!
namaste

I guess I just have some more crap to wade out of... I think my contract as a kitten without claws may have ended when I nearly died of the renal artery being blocked, because the prayer I said was "I am re-upping for another tour of duty on planet earth..." So if I am on a new tour of duty, at least I don't have to be alone now like I was.

So maybe I don't have to be that poor little kitten again, but right now I feel like her. I thought I had done away with all that sadness but then it just popped up again. Memories....like the corners of our mind....misty water color memories...of the way we were..... (Thank you Barbra Streisand)

Thank you for being so kind to me!

Blessings,

Astreia

Oh, Astreia, you don't have to thank me for being kind to you. I LOVE you. I also LIKE you. LOL. I can't not be kind to you, Sister! I AM honored to be ONE with you. You are an amazing soul.

namaste

Rebecca N.

Mon, 08/27/2012 - 13:11

Dear Astreia,


I am so sorry not to have been there for you yesterday in your time of need- I somehow missed the poem you shared so beautifully yesterday- but I was there for the beginning when you said u fell in love at age 3- we reflect so much of ourselves back to each other it is true- so much of what you shared in your blog here I relate to deeply.  Please know that you are loved so unconditionally but no apology is necessary here- your blog is so beautiful!  we just love you so much.  & I am sure u will contact your twin again soon and just keep on being happy and joy-filled, the vibrations keep going higher and you will feel better again! 


Love,


Becky

I rewrote the last line of the poem and now it is a happy poem!!! And I do feel better, but there is more releasing to come, I wrote a lot of poetry and I think I will go through and try to revise many of them, as a way of working some things out. I just felt bad that I had read it onscreen...I had forgotten how sad the last line was. But I changed the last line and now it is a happy poem!

Thank you for your kindness in replying to this message, I felt very unworthy for awhile and then I realized that I was experiencing the old feelings and not what I really feel now.

Changing the old poem was a liberating experience!

Oh, I hope I do see my twin soon, and the one I was thinking might be my twin isn't around right now. I keep wondering "How do you know when it's real?" and worrying that my twin might have seen me read that sad poem and decided not to have anything to do with me... we'd be stuck up there with everyone else paired up and he would avoid me... but it really doesn't work that way, does it? But how do you know? Do you recognize each other instantly, or is there a courtship period? Or do you just run into each other and both of you know immediately? This is so different from earth "affairs" and so confusing to me. I was a flirt, I mean, I was REALLY good at flirting... but I think if I were to flirt with my twin flame that would be just wrong somehow. So HOW do I attract him?

Somehow re-writing some of the poetry will help, I think, because as they say (and it is a book, too) "Every Word Has Power," so if I change the words I will break the spell of the poor decisions made when I wrote sad poetry.

Blessings,

Astreia

Yes, the poetry re-writes sound wonderful- what a good idea!  & how I love poetic expression!  If I predicted how you would know when you see your twin again, you will most likely see for yourself how he loves you unconditionally and you will feel the same for him.  Another aspect is you see him in yourself and see you in him- and then there is the mind-reading or knowing each other's thoughts and feelings intimately as you know yourself.  It is an amazing, out of this world experience.  I do not know how wonderful exactly it will be for you, but I trust it will be most perfect for you both!

I want to go in love and joy, and without fear. This is a big task for me as I have experienced much fear. But I want to let it go completely so that I can enjoy this shift. Yet I want to have some memory of how it felt and how I get rid of all the fear so I can help others who are fearful. Once I realized how many risks I had taken, and I asked my dear friend and former lover, "How did I survive all that?" and he replied, "You just somehow floated above the danger." Now I want to float above the fear! Thank you so much.

Blessings,

Astreia

Eternally Seeking (not verified)

Mon, 08/27/2012 - 15:38

Ya know, I could have written 90% of this myself!!! Thank you for sharing your open heart - I and alot of others sometimes need reminding that we aren't alone & can have veeerrry similar journies. New territory is exciting & adventurous but at times a lil frightening! I'm rounding a new corner on my path as well & your words really helped me :-)

Thank you so much for your message, it helped me a lot... just to know that my old sad poem and what I wrote after helped someone, that makes it ok for me. And I changed the last line and so now it is no longer a sad poem! That's all I had to change, one line! Now it's a nice, happy poem! That's exciting!

And lots of other people are posting poetry now, so maybe it's a good thing because maybe others weren't posting poetry, and then one person does, and then they realize that they can post their poetry too....

Blessings,

Astreia

Luas*** (not verified)

Mon, 08/27/2012 - 19:07

♥ Love You Astreia=Estrela=Star 

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