I MUST APOLOGIZE

My lower chakras, which I intentionally shut down many years ago, are awakening. I apologize for it happening on screen. When I began reciting the poem from so long ago, I had forgotten how it ended. You all had the not-so-wondrous opportunity of seeing me clear out sorrow right there in front of you.

I was married twice in this lifetime - both were very unusual marriages - and then I met my son's father and we never intended to marry, and didn't. And as soon as my son was conceived, I began shutting down the lower chakras and went through menopause so early that my own doctor did not believe me. Then when my mother died of ovarian cancer and I saw what she went through and how LONG it took, I insisted on a hysterectomy. So I am "spayed." LOL

The poem was true, I actually DID fall in love at the age of three with a skinny accordion player I saw on TV!!! I used to kiss the tv screen whenever he appeared and I adored him. It was on the Lawrence Welk show, anybody here remember that? And then I kept falling in love with people who didn't love me, and that was awful, so once I had my son I thought I was done with it. I decided not to fall in love anymore. And that was what came up when I recited that poem on-screen, I realized that I had made that decision, and it didn't resonate with what I am feeling at these wonderful LOVE parties. Especially now that I am aware of it.

I AM, of course, in LOVE with you all now, but so longing to be with my twin flame! I am mourning whatever I did that has kept us apart for so long and I am crying. I thought I saw him, I thought we were communicating telepathically, and then I remembered that poem and realized what I had done. I had decided at a very young age not to "fall in love" anymore. I think I was about thirteen at the time. I didn't mean not to LOVE, but that man-woman thing was just too intense.

Now I am all insecure again and have to fight my way through it. But there is another poem that I recall that tells me something else. I came here to be a peaceful warrior. And I came here to work alone, or so it felt, and I am having a hard time realizing that I was never alone. Here is another childish poem that I wrote and you can see what is going on now. I wrote this poem when I was about 14, two years into my work as the Protector of my sister's baby (he's fine, he's a pediatric neurosurgeon now):

I come here to listen,

I come here to cry,

I come here alone

Though I never know why,

I come with a purpose,

I come with a cause,

I come here to battle without any claws.

And that is how I felt, like a kitten with no claws. At the time, it actually FIT the situation I was in. I really WAS a kitten with no defense except my own spirit - and the Spirit guiding me, but I didn't know that then. And now I realize why my life was so strange, it was because I was trying to be so independent. It is still easier for me to give than to receive, and THAT definitely has to change!!!

So please forgive me and all my old sad poetry. There were some beautiful, happy poems, too, but for some reason those are not the ones I am remembering right now. I will have to find them on paper somewhere as I go through all these infernal boxes. The emotions are high as I get rid of most of what I own. Friday, a thrift store took about half the furniture....they wouldn't go upstairs. So I have some people coming to move the rest of the furniture downstairs so they can take it, too. Everything is all discombobulated and i keep having to remind myself that they are "just things." It's the memories attached to them that are the problem.

I used to have a house, and BLUEBIRDS came into my backyard all the time, hummingbirds too. I miss them. I planted special flowers for them and kept the cats indoors during the day so the birds would feel safe, and then let the cats out at night when the birds were in their nests. My life certainly was not sad all the time, just that I am going through yet another clearing period and it is hard now. Even during the worst times of my life I cared for people and somehow, the listening helped them.

And now your listening is helping me. And I thank you. Forgive me for nearly melting down on screen.

Love and blessings,

Astreia