Releasing Old Habits

Hello my beautiful babies!

 

What a week it has been, eh?

 

Yesterday was a monumental day of release for me.

 

We all know the things we "should" do to assist us on this journey, but knowing, doing and being are all quite different.

 

I had been feeling this dull sense of sadness that I was simply numbing out for a very long time. 

 

As a child I never really fit in.

 

I had an xtremely high IQ, yet the social behavior of a butterfly.

 

I could see and hear spirits, angels and extra terrestrials, but never told a soul.

 

It got to a point where I began to get scared of these things, so I told my parents what I saw.

 

They simply laughed it off when I was young, so I kinda tucked it in my back pocket.

 

As I grew older, my experiences mulitplied, and I began to have experiences with human angels that came in and out of my life, telling me that I was special, or different and not from this world. This made me feel comforted, but also quite scared.

 

These people never stayed in my life for long and at times I was the only person who could see or hear them, so trying to talk to a friend or family member about this became extremely unbelievable to the rest.

 

When I was a teenager, the people who visited me became very dark, mysterious and at times deceptive. Things like Freemasonry were explained to me, along with books and symbols I had never heard of nor seen before.

 

With my father being in the military I had internet access at a very young age, which was not such a good thing for a curious and confused mind such as mine.

 

The more research I did on these subjects, the more scared I became.

 

I couldnt hold back any more and started lashing out in confusion.

 

 

My parents did not understand nor know what to do with me, and placed me into several psychiactric hospitals. I believe I was placed into three of them by the time I was 17. 

 

These places were horrific. They did far more damage then good.

 

The programs created to help us, only made me feel more guilty about who I was.

 

Then the prescription drugs started.

 

I was diagnosed with everything from bipolar to scizophrenic, but none of the drugs or counseling worked, none of it worked...

 

What the hell was wroing with me then?

 

I leanred to stop fighting back, took my pills and dubmed myself back down in order to fit in with the rest of 3D Earth... but I never felt happy.

 

Over time the drugs simply stopped working altogether, and I had grown numb and apathetic. 

 

Fast forward to 2010.

 

I met with a doctor who said, hey... youre not biploar... you have ADHD!

 

I had eliminated all street drugs and alcohol from my body several years before this and , I had never taken any medicine like what they gave me for ADHD...but it seemed to work!

 

My memories from childhood started coming back and slowly, I started to awaken and remember who I was again.

 

This was exhilerating for me! I had hope that maybe I had found something that would help me deal with my 3D life.

 

I also knew that I better keep these things to myself as I did not want to be judged again or called crazy.

 

But his medicine, along with all of the others stopped working too.

 

I have slowly weaned myself off of these medications, but the physical and mental withdrawals can be intense. They make you doubt yourself an physically incapable of doing ... well, anything.

 

Yesterday my heart was overflowing, with so many emotions.... so so many.

 

I went on a long walk after I wrote my blog about my broken heart yesterday and felt so free. I went to the store to grab a few items and walked past the pharmacy counter...

 

With a brand new RX in my wallet, I normally would walk to the counter and eagerly fill er up! But this time was different... What should I do? 

 

I put the RX back in my wallet... and walked away.

 

When I was at the checkout line I observed the cashier, she was stressed, speeding around the place and cutting everyone off that she spoke to. I witnessed her unraveling right in front of me. It hit me... that was ME!

 

I looked at her, and said... hey honey, you know what... sometimes if you slow down, you will go much farther. You will never get caught up... something will always need to be done... and that is OK. We're not in a hurry. We will all get there. and i simply smiled.

 

She looked shocked and almost defensive...then She paused, I watched her chest rise and fall and a HUGE deep breath released from her body and soul.

 

She smiled back and I saw tears in her eyes.

 

"Thank you... thank you SO MUCH"...

 

I looked back at all of the folks in line behind me who were all tapping their feet, checking their watches, hurry hurry hurrry... everyone was in such a hurry.

 

I said to them, its ok... we will ALL get there.

 

All oif their faces fixed upon me... they all responded in the same way.

 

Shock, release and smiles.

 

They got it.

 

I grabbed my groceries and walked away.

 

I may not have it all figurd out, but moments like this show me, that we will all be OK.

 

I didnt save a life or stop world hunger ... but in that moment I knew that I had done my job. I knew that I had made the right decision... in that moment.

 

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know that each day I can do one small thing in order to change my life, behavior and habits for the better.

 

I came home and slept for 12 hours and woke up feeling totally out of it... but I also feel free. Free from the medications, free from the self judgement, and FREE to start living.

 

I love you all

 

xo