As a Catholic, as an Italian, and as a Physician, I have a certain predisposition toward guilt. It worked on me as a child to get me to behave within certain expectations. Physicians in training are taught to put the needs of the patient before their own as a matter of course. Those that dare to question this are mocked as being 'unprofessional'. The last two weeks have landed me into a funk that was guilt-filled and very distressing.
As an anesthesiologist who is working full-time, my guilt-meter is off the charts when I or my children are not well. I spent a week sicker than a dog at work, because unless I am in the hospital as a patient, I better show up or there shall be cases cancelling with my absence. I feel guilty because as a health-care worker I am 'selling' health and clearly by being at work when I am ill I am at conflict with my 'product'. I spent one week, three weeks ago, caring for the son with the sinusitis that has not cleared since October. I was doing asthma nebulizer treatments around the clock, and generally exhausted from making sure that everything was going right for him while I kept the household running.
Then the Holidays came up, and it was my turn to host the family gathering. My house was a mess, total CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) and I spent the first four days of vacation cleaning like mad around the house. Right up to company's arrival, the children and I were vacuuming and cleaning some more. Everything went beautifully. I wanted my sister who has been taking care of grandmother's new long-term care planning to have a break and relax.
