How am I not Myself?

If I had to pick a theme of my introspection lately it's pretty much been "How am I not myself?" and that's what I'm going to write about today. I've never fit in much. I've typically been shy, quiet and introverted although that's changed A LOT over the past few years. It's changed the most since I've been able to connect with other like-minded people.

Today, in a meeting at work someone made a comment and said that she thought I would be pretty good at sucking up. At the time, I sort of smiled and shrugged it off while inside of me I wasn't quite sure how to feel. Should I feel offended? Is it a bad thing that people look at me like that? Do a majority of my peers see me that way? I suppose, though, I already have the answer to the last question.

I worked at a ice cream shop in high school (my favorite job hands down. and not just because of endless ice cream. I wish I could be a soda jerk forever...) Anyway, one my coworkers was a cute boy who ended up telling me one day that I tried too hard. Not the same comment, but similar. And you know what, he was right. I did try too hard. I didn't feel like I fit in and therefore I couldn't accept my true nature. I didn't want to be the weird girl so I made every effort possible to try and fit in with the cool crowd. I knew I was different. I thought that it was wrong so I shunned that part of me.

I remember going to the store when I was little and just wondering why everything cost money. I didn't get it! Why couldn't everyone just take what they needed and leave the extra for others? Yes, I was a socialist in my preschool years. Of course that was all buried once I got to school and got "programmed". (IT DIDN'T WORK! I AM AWAKE!)

All throughout school I had a burning desire to fit in and of course whatever I tried, it didn't work. College came around and I still had no idea who I was. I surrounded myself with peers who had stronger personalities instead of working on developing myself. My mom actually was the one who pointed this out. I had been doing it my whole life. My best friends and boyfriends had all had, for the most part, very controlling personalities. I had no strong foundation for myself, so I relied on others for that foundation and kind of went with the flow. This turned into failing grades, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem and -confidence.

Fast forward to current times. Last night someone told me they felt like I had the maturity level of a 40 year old. That meant a lot. I'm not kidding! For me, it validated that I have a good handle on myself, that I know who I am and what I stand for and if that makes me a suck up because I believe in being nice then so be it.

I'm a Lover, not a fighter. I believe in choosing Love in each and every situation. I believe in forgiveness, but I will no longer let anyone take advantage of that. I believe in truth, honesty and loyalty because that is the basis of a good relationship. I believe in peace and equality. For all. I believe in God, but I don't believe in religion. I believe that every person has these same core values, they've just been buried due to the pressures of our society. Who knows, your smile could bring this out in someone!

I don't try so hard anymore, now that I know who I am. I like who I am. I forgive my mistakes. If there's a part of me that someone else doesn't like I don't try and change it anymore. This is who I really am and if you don't like it, I don't particularly care!

On a side note, I had a different meeting with a co-worker earlier in the week. He is going back to get his MBA and the topic of our current work was brought up and he asked what I wanted to do (as it was mentioned that we didn't want to be at this position forever) and I couldn't bring myself to say it. Given the chance to do it all over though, I'd sing it to the world.

I am Rachel. I am awake and I am a Lightworker.

I have a lot of exciting things in the works. I hope to have some very exciting announcements around the new year :)